Ground Rules

NOTE: If you take offense to any of the things said here and if you don’t know me by sight then let me tell you “I couldn’t care less” :-p

“I’m bored, lets talk about something .You are boring” she said.
“Well, Ok let’s talk” I retorted, “What do you want to talk about”
“Hmmmmm…well anything, what have you been thinking about in last hour or so, we ll discuss that” she explored
“Ok.Mmm…last hour …lets see…there was navel lint, football, gals, ear wax, more football and more gals”. I said truthfully
“Eeew…. Yuk!!”

I can never understand women, they (in this case she) want to know what’s on my mind and then ridicule it. I would never ask a gal what’s on her mind and “Eeew” it or “yuk” it (probably because I m asleep when she is half way thru, anyways the bigger picture…)
So Ground Rule 1:
Don’t ever ask me what I m thinking unless you are prepared to listen to a painful discourse on things that reside in the crevices of the human body or Dennis Bergkamp or the 4-5-1 formation or Jennifer Aniston.


And it seems that I have this rare talent of offending gals and can remain blissfully ignorant of the fact that I have done so. Let me give you an example

vicky_dec8th: wat the hell are you talking about?? Aishwarya was crap at Cannes
vicky_dec8th: Thu
unknown:x-(
unknown: don’t ever talk to me again
vicky_dec8th: wat did I do??
unknown: you know what you did!!
(Name replaced in the best interests of the health of the writer and Ms.unknown put that gun down just remember that the sight of blood gives you a head ache)

Hours of apologies later, some samples
I’m sorry for using “hell” I know that you believe there is only heaven and everyone go there some day.
I’m sorry for calling ash crap I know that you just adore her.
Hey I m sorry for using “c***” I know how you hate swear words
I know that you love the English language and I shouldn’t have spelt “what” as “wat”

Pretty exhaustive one would think but turns out I missed one teeny-weeny little word “thu”. Drat!! and double drat!! I was so careful. She said later that it seemed as though I said the “t**” with spite and here I’m thinking its just another word like “pah” or “hmph”. Shows how much I know.
So Ground Rule 2:
If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.

And what’s with gals and their love to play mind games I mean if you want to know what’s on my mind (other than navel lint and football that is) just ask I’ll tell you.
I’m not a secretive soul and I’ll never be one. I’m never good at guessing games for me games are strictly restricted to cricket, football and basketball. So if you want to tell me something just tell it.
I could cite another example here but the girl in question would never ever talk to me again (Serious!!)
(Narmada if you are reading this, you know what I’m talking about ;-) )


So Ground Rule 3:
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! I’m not a clairvoyant and I’ll never will be. My lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little I care about you.


Teju*: Don’t you think this skirt goes well with my top?
Me: uh huh
Teju* :I saw a taupe coloured spaghetti straps(atleast that’s what I think she said!!) at globus that would go well with my black keds.
Me: uh huh
Teju*:On second thoughts I think the red in the skirt clashes with the top.
Me: uh huh
*Name changed for the above stated reasons

I don’t have a girlfriend so I quite don’t know the experience of waiting for them while they dress but from what I hear it is quite an experience it seems in that time you can have a quickie with the girl next door, bake a cake and still have time to squeeze in a movie. What they do for hours in front of the mirror I never know and never want to know. I said “quite” in the first sentence cos I have 6 girl cousins who live with me so I kinda know how it feels.

So Ground Rule 4:
I own four pairs of identical blue jeans. What makes you think I'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress .I see in 16 colours like Windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour and so is orange. Fawn is a baby deer. I have no idea what beige is.


“But you said last year……….”
(Me interrupting)“Wait a min did you say last year?”
“Yea”
“How do I even know that I said it”
“You have to take my word for it”
“Hmmmmm”

I hate this thing about girls, they seem to have a photographic memory (my cousin still remembers what I wore for diwali when I was in the 11th standard!!) why oh why do you have to remember these trivialities not that I have a problem with it unless of course you are going to use that against me. Also I am not that insensitive not to know that something is bothering you and if is ask you, you better tell me or I ‘ll act as though nothing has happened.

So Ground Rule 5:
Anything I said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. And if I ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," I will act like nothing's wrong. I know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. I’m here to solve problems. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

The last scenario might be made up and the previous ones a “bit” exaggerated but they were there to serve a purpose
Also I reiterate my previous stance (i.e.) if you don’t know me by sight I couldn’t care less if you were offended by my comments…. Muhahahaha
P.S:Just wanted to let you know that I screen my mail with sniffer dogs so if you are thinking of parcel bombs and anthrax laced letters better ditch the idea now.